-A Journey of Acceptance
What you deny or ignore you delay. What you accept and face you conquer-unknown
“It’s all hot and sticky out tonight,” I said as I sat on the porch with my Grandma Phy. “Um-hum, and theses got damn mosquitos keep fucking biting at me!” she snapped.
“Grandma I don’t know why I’m so nervous”
“I don’t know either, it ain’t like you never met the boy before. He’s your damn brother plain and simple okay! I can’t stand this M-F’ing biting shit. I’m going inside. Come get me when they come”.
She was right. It wasn’t like it was the first time we had ever met I just didn’t remember. So, to me, it felt like our first-time meeting and I was nervous. Not about seeing him, but about my reaction to the entire situation.
After Grandma Phy took me to my mother’s grave site, it totally altered my reality. Moving forward I had a hard time accepting things in my life. I felt like I had to check and then check again as I felt the need to account for everyone in my life. This left me feeling like an angry, hurt and confused teenager. However, I wanted as much clarity as possible and I wanted to know how my siblings felt about all of this.
Now my older sister and I have always been close. However, in our youth, we never really discussed our mother and our feelings towards her death. It was kind of like having an unspoken rule to never bring her up. My younger sister Amber was way too young to even begin to understand. Besides that, her mother Spring was wife #2 and Amber was born five years later.
Then there was him. My little brother Eric, just 2 years younger than I. I barely knew him, and his existence was hardly mentioned so I knew of him but did not know him. But, as Grandma Phy said, he’s my damn brother plain and simple okay! I wanted to know him not just know about him so, when I was ready, I asked my Grandma Phy about him. She told me what city he lived in and contacted his mother for me.
The first conversation was a bit awkward. I was talking to my blood but, it felt like I was talking to a stranger. To my surprise, he was just as interested in getting to know me as well. Grandma Phy and his mother Glenn arranged for us to meet up and hang out at Grandma Phy’s house. I was full of mixed emotions. On one hand, I was excited to hang out with my brother but, on the other I was I perplexed about coming face to face with the “enemy” Glenn.
Then they pulled up. Now I can’t remember what kind of car they were in but, I remember my first sight of my brother like it was yesterday. Walking up the walkway was this skinny little 13-year-old boy wearing a windbreaker tracksuit (don’t laugh Y’all, it was popular in the ’90s). My eyes were locked on him and I felt lost in a trance. He looked like a male version of me! I immediately felt the sibling connection.
I was snapped out of the trance by Grandma Phy coming out of the house to greet them. Glenn greeted Grandma Phy then, she did it. She turned to greet me, “Oh my gosh you are so pretty!”, I don’t know if she said anything else to me but, that was all I heard. So, what did my 15-year-old smart mouth, angry little self do? I looked her dead in her eyes with my nose turned up and replied, “thanks I look just like my mother.” Yeah, I’ll admit that was petty and I meant for it to sting. However, I never got to gauge how effective my remark was because immediately after all my attention went right back to Eric. I was ready to spend some time with him and get to know who he really was. The part I wasn’t ready for, was all the sad, upsetting stories