Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got-Robert Brault
I never understood the necessity to use the word “half” when describing my connection to my siblings. The fact that we have different mothers means what? That we have different DNA? No two people have the same DNA unless they are identical twins. Or is it the fact that we only have 1 parent in common? Even your own child doesn’t have 100% your DNA. When establishing paternity, the results never go higher than 99.9 % yet you never hear anyone saying this is my “half” child. You only need a drop of blood to make you related. Just one.
As long as I can remember, this has always been my view on so called “half” siblings. I have never referred to any of my siblings in this manner because I don’t have “half” siblings. I simply have sisters and a brother. With this long-standing belief, this journey of acceptance was not about accepting my brother. It was about accepting the difference of opinion regarding our parent’s dark past.
I can honestly say that I never blamed Eric for anything that had to do with my mother’s death. He never asked to be born or to be put in that situation. None of us did. No child should be punished for the sins of their parent. Accepting a sibling from a different parent into your life does not mean that you accept the actions of the adults. You are accepting a different part of you that you did not know before. Yes, a part of YOU. That same DNA flowing through your veins is the same DNA flowing through their veins. Now you can deny that all you want but, the truth is the truth, 1 drop.
Lies, cheating and suicide was the bases for my brother and my connection. I resented the fact that my Dad and Glenn were able to tell their version of the truth. What bothered me most is that I knew one day Glenn would tell her “truth” to my brother and he would believe her. Why not? She is his mother. The fact that he still had his mother to tell him her version of the events made me feel like he had an unfair advantage. I had to dig, investigate and connect the dots to get my mother’s side.
So, the day I decided to get to know my brother better was the day I decided that I would never listen to his mother’s version of the events. I also decided that If necessary, I would defend my mother against ANYBODY, even though at that time I was still mad at my mother. I was not sure how my brother felt or when that impending conversation would happen. In a sense I was ready for war if I had to be.
By God’s grace, I was given time. Time for us to get to know each other outside of our parent’s past. Time for the sibling bonds to strengthen. Time for both of us to grow and mature before we actually had the conversation. All of this is what helped me and my brother to be able to put that dark past aside and continue on with our relationship.
This was the first conversation but, it was not our last. As, we grew, matured and experienced more of life, the conversation got less intense and more open on both parts. He was always willing to listen to me express my mother’s side, but I believe with age and maturity, he was able to understand my pain. I finally listened to him tell me his mother’s story. While I do not believe everything she said, I can say that I do believe that she did not know that my Dad was married. According to my brother, she found out from one of my Dad’s sisters. I also believe that my Dad was wish-washy with both women and did not know what he truly wanted. Unfortunately, our mothers ended up paying the ultimate price for it.
I have fully accepted what happened and the role that all 3 played. I have seen Glenn in my adult life, and she has met my children. We are not “buddy, buddy” but, we are civil, respectful and able to exchange pleasantries without snide remarks. At this point in my life, I am open to having a frank woman to woman discussion with Glenn about what happened. This would not change anything but, there is nothing better hearing it firsthand. I do not believe we would ever be considered friends but, Glenn is not my enemy.
Your Turn to Reflect
- Have you ever considered someone your enemy not because of what they did to you but, because of what they did to your loved one?
- If so, how were you able to get past it (if you did) or What would you need to help you move past it.
- Have you personally ever been considered the “enemy” or “bad guy”? If so, how did you deal with that?