Past Time

– A journey of Letting Go

The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back -Felicity

There’s an old saying that goes, you never miss what you have until it’s gone.  That is certainly what Mr. Ex was feeling after I left. After about two weeks we were able to communicate for the sake of the kids. That quickly lead to a lot of I’m sorry, come home and I will change. While that may have worked in the past, this time it had no power over me.

While his empty apologies meant nothing, I secretly battled the fonder memories of our past. All the love and memories of the happier times kept trying to pull me back in. Many nights I laid quietly staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face.  Our 15 years of marriage played over and over in my mind like a broken record. When I would go out to face the world I would put on this strong, confident, happy facade. I was really mourning the death of my “forever love”.

Psychologist says there are seven stages of grieving a breakup. These are much like the seven stages of grieving death. I blew through the first three during the last four years of our relationship. I was right in the middle of the 4th stage, relapse when I got an unfriendly reminder of why I left.

Like I mentioned earlier, Mr. Ex seemed to be full of regret. While I continued to turn down his request to come home, I must admit I did entertain the idea. Then one night we agreed to meet up at our son’s school to watch his basketball game. Mr. Ex was to bring me $50 toward’s our other son’s $100 program fees. True to his form, Mr. Ex showed up 20 minutes late and only had $30 to give me.

After the game, Mr. Ex offered to give me and the boys a ride home. On the way there, he made a pit stop at the liquor store where he spent $20 that he so called didn’t have to give in contribution to our son. Now usually I would have raised all kinds of hell but, I didn’t. I just sat back and watched it all play out. When we arrived at my home, Mr. Ex requested that I stay in the car and talk for a while.

He proceeded to tell me how we should make a  new start in a new city and about how much he “changed”. For a moment I was dumbfounded. I just stared at him trying to find this so-called “change”. The only change I saw was the part in the side of his hair.  So, of course, I refused his advances. The next thing I knew,  I was being accused of cheating on him. According to him, that was the real reason I wanted a divorce and not his childish, selfish behavior.

I just simply told him thank you and got out of the car.  He was now the one looking dumbfounded. What he didn’t know is that, at that moment, he gave me the confirmation I needed to keep moving forward. There was nothing left for me in our past and no us in my future as our time together has passed. I was done looking back.