Past Time

– A journey of Letting Go

The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back -Felicity

There’s an old saying that goes, you never miss what you have until it’s gone.  That is certainly what Mr. Ex was feeling after I left. After about two weeks we were able to communicate for the sake of the kids. That quickly lead to a lot of I’m sorry, come home and I will change. While that may have worked in the past, this time it had no power over me.

While his empty apologies meant nothing, I secretly battled the fonder memories of our past. All the love and memories of the happier times kept trying to pull me back in. Many nights I laid quietly staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face.  Our 15 years of marriage played over and over in my mind like a broken record. When I would go out to face the world I would put on this strong, confident, happy facade. I was really mourning the death of my “forever love”.

Psychologist says there are seven stages of grieving a breakup. These are much like the seven stages of grieving death. I blew through the first three during the last four years of our relationship. I was right in the middle of the 4th stage, relapse when I got an unfriendly reminder of why I left.

Like I mentioned earlier, Mr. Ex seemed to be full of regret. While I continued to turn down his request to come home, I must admit I did entertain the idea. Then one night we agreed to meet up at our son’s school to watch his basketball game. Mr. Ex was to bring me $50 toward’s our other son’s $100 program fees. True to his form, Mr. Ex showed up 20 minutes late and only had $30 to give me.

After the game, Mr. Ex offered to give me and the boys a ride home. On the way there, he made a pit stop at the liquor store where he spent $20 that he so called didn’t have to give in contribution to our son. Now usually I would have raised all kinds of hell but, I didn’t. I just sat back and watched it all play out. When we arrived at my home, Mr. Ex requested that I stay in the car and talk for a while.

He proceeded to tell me how we should make a  new start in a new city and about how much he “changed”. For a moment I was dumbfounded. I just stared at him trying to find this so-called “change”. The only change I saw was the part in the side of his hair.  So, of course, I refused his advances. The next thing I knew,  I was being accused of cheating on him. According to him, that was the real reason I wanted a divorce and not his childish, selfish behavior.

I just simply told him thank you and got out of the car.  He was now the one looking dumbfounded. What he didn’t know is that, at that moment, he gave me the confirmation I needed to keep moving forward. There was nothing left for me in our past and no us in my future as our time together has passed. I was done looking back.

Courage to leave

–  A journey of Letting Go

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar- Raymond Lidnedquist

A water bill. Yep, it was a water bill that was the backbreaking straw. Before the fatal bill, I was already emotionally done. See most of the time when a relationship is ending, the first thing to go is the mind. My emotions were already packed and chucking the deuces while the rest of my mind was laid back on an “I don’t care” vacation.

I would be remiss to act as though we never had any good times though. At one point in time, we appeared to be the “It” couple. I was a lady in the street, freak in the sheets, home cooking, house cleaning, child rearing, hold you down, best friend type of wife. He was the hardworking, gift giving, Mr. fixes it, family defending, daddy duty, love you down, best friend type of husband. Or so everyone thought… Family and friends actually came to us for relationship advice.

What they didn’t see was that our 15 years of young love was draining, to say the least. It came with a lot of late night waiting, early morning yelling, lies, cries, prayers, self-doubt and an unhealthy comfort zone of familiarity.  That old mindset of “I didn’t come this far to let some other chicks have him” had set in. I was invested honey and that was my man.  I knew when he was lying and what to expect. He would say that he was 20 minutes away and I knew that actually meant an hour. He would make a promise and I would just shrug it off because I knew nothing would come of it. I simply got comfortable with the disappointment.

The day the water bill came, Mr. Ex came home and woke me up out my sleep cussing about the amount of the water bill. Now I am not a morning person, to begin with, so of course, I was pissed that #1. I was waking up before the alarm went off, #2. I was being cussed out #3 he currently wasn’t even paying ANY bills at this point.  The bill was a bit outrageous but,  I alone assumed the responsibility of paying the bills every month. I was confused as to why he even opened it up, to begin with.  After calling to pay the bill, I jumped up to go shower and get ready for work.

Apparently, he was not done arguing because he busted in the bathroom and continued to cuss and fuss. At this point, I knew the argument was not about a bill and as the kids say,  I wasn’t going. We started throwing around insults and curse words that would make a sailor blush. Finally, he stormed out of the house. I felt like all the wind was knocked out of me as I sat on the steps and reflected back on the hurtful words. Before I knew it I was standing and my feet started walking me to the bedroom closet. I just started mindlessly packing. My mind had come back from vacation and caught up with my emotions. I was done.

I called one of my Grandmothers and asked if my children and I could come to stay for a while.  She could hear the hurt and sadness in my voice. She simply said,  “Get your shit I’m on my way” and she didn’t even bother to ask me what happened. Before I could get all the way out the door Mr. Ex came back to the house.  With an angry shocked look on his face, he said, “Really, over a water bill you gonna run off? When you gonna come back because I got shit to do tomorrow and I can’t take the kids”.  I told him, ” I will be picking them up from school today and I won’t be back. I’m filing for divorce”.  I walked out of the house and got into the car without looking back. I had finally found the courage to leave my comfort zone.

Beginning of The End

–  A journey of Letting Go

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings- Lao Tzu

No doubt divorce is certainly not the intended outcome of a marriage let alone one that lasted 15 years. 19 years old, standing at the alter looking lovingly into my 21-year-old fiance’s eyes, all I could see was forever. I just knew that we had a love that would stand the test of time. All those people telling us “You’re too young”  and “you don’t know what you want”, were just a bunch of haters as far as I was concerned. They were just mad that they haven’t found their “soul mate” as early in life as we did.

It didn’t matter that some family members refused to attend our wedding, bridesmaids, and groomsmen back out at the last minute and my fiance helped me pick out my dress. I didn’t think that it was a bad sign to have the car break down on my way to pick up my dress in the middle of traffic for no apparent reason 5 minutes before the bridal shop closed ( we were able to talk them into opening back up and the car started with no problem after picking up the dress). I didn’t care that we missed rehearsal due to traffic or that he saw me the morning of the wedding. Didn’t even break a sweat when my dress was still being altered 30 minutes after my wedding was supposed to start causing me to be late to my own big day.

The best-man walked in right when the party started down the aisle, the wrong music was playing, the groom dropped the ring and the wedding coordinator got into it with my in-laws. None of that mattered to me because damn it we were going to last forever! It wasn’t until I laid in bed that night in my newly gifted negligee,  2 hours into waiting for my husband to come home and consummate our marriage, did I start to have doubt.  I pushed that to the side as I drifted off to sleep listening to Your All I Need.

15 years and two kids later I am here taking you on my journey of divorce from my “forever love”.  Something no one could have told me was in my future but, life has a funny way of working things out. Follow me as I take you through my story as I begin life again.